Story Telling (Part 2)
I haven’t told my friend my story yet, those parts that I can remember at least. Maybe I should have forgone the three hours or so of sleep I ended up getting that night and just have told her then. I was most certainly more in the mood to tell her then. My friend is a patient person, though. So instead we’ve been talking about other things, while my desire to tell her my story drifts back into the back of my mind once more. See the problem is, and I’m very used to this now, that I seem to go in phases where one day, I’m perfectly fine and everything is alright. It takes a lot to get me down. This’ll go for a few weeks and then I’ll crash back at bottom again. The crash is when I find it hardest to remember what my friends are for. Instead, I focus on negativities and the past. Somewhere, usually, in this bottoming out, I want to, even need to tell someone my story. But normally, the only people around are the ones who I’ve already told. The ones who, experience has taught me, simply either don’t want to help, or don’t know how to. Not every one is meant to deal with my story. And I’m ok with that, except that it’s also taught me to be much, much more selective about who I do tell it to. And frequently, but the time I find myself talking to someone who I haven’t told, and who I would be fine with tell, like this friend of mine, I’ve already gotten to the point where my desire to tell is pushed back to the back of my mind again.
I brought this up to her today and I swear, if it weren’t for the fact that there are thousands of miles between us, I probably could have seen her smiling in understanding. And I learned something else today. She has a story so very much like my own. She doesn’t know how similar, and though I think I do, I can never fully understand either, since it her story and not my own. But, unlike me, it took her years to even regain the general plotline of her story. Unlike me, she completely forgot, completely repressed her story. Instead, she only had the effects of what happened, with no explanation behind why she was the way she was. I’ll be completely honest here. In a way, I wish that were the case with me. I think maybe, just maybe, it would be much easier to get through the lows not knowing why the lows are there. Not knowing the general plotline I have. She assures me, though, that once she started regaining the plotline, it was much easier for her than before.
Regaining Plotlines and Details
Today was also the gazillionth (seemingly so) time that she recommended I try something to help me out. But for a change, she actually gave me information as to why. I refuse to share the details of her story. They’re not mine to share. What I will say, though, is how she started to recover her plotline, her details. She was fortunate enough to have not only the guidance, but the support of someone who was able to at least identify what might be the root cause of her issues at the time. And from there, that friend of hers guided her through recovering what she had repressed away, and then through the recovery of having regained that. She did it through a process known as recapitulation. Honestly, I wasn’t all that surprised when she brought up how that helped her get through the process of remembering these events and moving past them. She’s quite the advocate of the process. And she’s said, already at least once or twice, since we spoke earlier this week, since when I almost finally shared my story with her, that more than likely she will continue to recommend it for me. (Again, so not surprised…)
My primary concern, like I’ve already told her plenty of times, continues to remain in the fact that I know the process of doing so will be, needless to say, painful. Personally, I’m not even certain I can do it. But I have a feeling when I finally do share it with her, she’ll still say, “So do the recap.” She’s persistent like that, and I love her for it too. But considering what she says about how it helped her, I can see why she is such a big advocate. After all, with the use of that process and the support of her friend, she not only recovered the memories she had repressed, she was able to come to terms with the details, and move past the details. Not get over. Move past. And now when she does recall those memories, she says there is very little emotional trauma caused by them. All effects and benefits she attributes to the recapitulation. So maybe, after I finally do tell her my own story, and she recommends it once again, maybe I’ll finally gather up the guts to maybe try. I honestly don’t know. The thought terrifies me.
That said, I go ahead and share the link to the site where she first directed me the very first time she had mentioned the process. If it proves beneficial to others, then maybe people reading this, with their own things to get over, will find it beneficial to them. Here it is again: Recapitulation.
I’m going to go find my guts again to do some story telling now.
The Journey 